If Agency People Were Honest

Here are two memos that ought to be circulated at most big agencies:

MEMO

TO:               Staff
FROM:         Human Resources
SUBJECT:   We Are Not A Family

Contrary to what you heard from senior staff here at the agency when you were hired and at several staff meetings since then, we are not a family.

Families are forgiving. We are not.

Families are tied together for life. We are not.

Families can't get rid of problem people. They can't replace them with more pleasant or capable or younger people. We can.

Families have to feed you. We don't.

Just so we're clear, here are some things you should know:

• We don't love you. Many of you we don't even like.
• When you become bad casting we will hire someone younger and prettier.
• You will have a job here as long as you produce more than you consume and solve more problems than you create.
• You will have a job here until we find someone who can do your job as well but costs less.
• You will have a job here as long as the client thinks you're necessary.

Nothing personal. We just thought you'd appreciate knowing the truth.

Sincerely,

HR


MEMO

TO:               Human Resources
FROM:         Staff
SUBJECT:    Leaving At First Opportunity

Contrary to what we said when we took these jobs, we are not really that thrilled to be working here.

As far as we can tell, this place is pretty much identical to every other place we've worked at.

And all that stuff about being a family? Please...we're your employees, not your children.

Here are a few things you should know:

We believe we are underpaid. 
We believe our bosses are, for the most part, schmucks.
We think you have no balls and suck-up to our clients.

Just so we're clear, here are a few things you should know:

• We don't respect most of you.
• We will stay here until someone is willing to pay us more.
• We will stay here until someone offers us a better job. 

Nothing personal. We just thought you'd appreciate knowing the truth.

Sincerely,

Your employees